Clearly, there are not 50 swimsuits in this Polyvore. Clearly, I threw them together after filtering swimwear under $50 and chose the more whacktacular styles from the pool of items. (See what I did there, Team  Zoe?)

I caught the headline “50 Swimsuits Under $50” on Lucky Magazine’s website. I didn’t click through all of them because (a) ain’t nobody got time for that, and (b) options make me miserable. I would LOVE to have a designer swimsuit that makes me look like Lana Del Rey all coiffed and expressionless by a mid-century LA pool with some faceless tattooed bad boy that I met when he delivered my Jimmy John’s sub FREAKY FAST one day, made my eyes burn when he walked in, and now he’s mooching off me and turns into a crocodile. What!

Swimsuits go through too much abuse for me to plunk down serious cash, and I want a new one every season. Gee, M, what about reversible swimwear? Um No. I don’t want what was once on the inside now exposed to the outside, then again near the intimate parts. Let’s not treat anything near the intimate zone like a 2-in-1 item. That zone needs its own private surface.

A very evil tattooed boyfriend turned crocodile once taught me that not everything expensive is nice, but everything nice is expensive. Swimwear is one of the few areas where this does not necessarily apply, especially if you stick to the trusty string bikini. I’ve found plenty of cute, cheap ones that seem to do the trick.